Confidence is a key ingredient for success in life. It helps you to face challenges, overcome obstacles, and achieve your goals. 

Confidence also makes you more attractive, charismatic, and likeable to others – like Grenada’s groovy soca Monarch Bozie says, “You look good and yuh money spend” when you are full of confidence. 

I actually believe that we are born brimming with confidence, I mean, I’ve never heard a baby say ‘Don’t look at me, I’ve got a rash on my cute cheeks or My thighs are too  thick for my onesie”  

No way, babies adore themselves and expect everyone to do the same.  We accept that we gather around and speak lovingly to babies regardless of their condition.  

However, somewhere along the way, we forget how innately worthy we are and start being conditioned to feel like we are being enough.

Thankfully, even when we forget our power of being confident in who we are, self-confidence is something that we can cultivate and maintain through our actions and thoughts. 

Many things can kill your confidence and make you doubt yourself. Here are three of them and how to avoid them.

1. Wanting Other People to understand you and your point of view.

One of the biggest confidence killers is wanting other people to understand you and your perspectives. 

You may think that if others don’t get you or agree with you, then there is something wrong with you or your ideas. You may also feel frustrated, angry, or hurt when others misunderstand you or criticize you. 

But Sis, the truth is that you can’t control how other people perceive you or respond to you. You can only control how you express yourself and how you react to others. 

Trying to please everyone or make everyone like you is impossible and exhausting. It will only drain your confidence and make you lose your authenticity. Sis, we are not about that life.

At some point, we have to stop seeking validation from others and start validating ourselves. You have to realize that your worth and value are not dependent on other people’s opinions or approval. 

You have to trust yourself and your own judgment and become so confident in your own identity and values that you are okay to stand on them without your friends, family or co-workers cosigning.  You don’t have to agree with them or convince them.

 One of my favourite quotes is from Aristotle “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting” Should you come to an impasse or disagreement, you also have to consider other people’s perspectives, even if they are different from yours. Try to understand them and learn from them, but at the end of the day, you have to respect yourself and your own perspectives – you can also agree to disagree and move on without taking things personally.

2. Not being honest about what you think or how you feel

Another thing that can kill your confidence is not being honest about what you think or how you feel. 

You may think that hiding your true thoughts or emotions will make you more likeable, acceptable, or safe. 

There have been times when I have withheld my expressing my true thoughts or emotions for fear that it would make me vulnerable, rejected, or attacked. However, lying to yourself or others will only make you more insecure, unhappy, and disconnected. 

Bandwagoning your opinions or not having one often makes you appear distrustful, resentful and conflicted. 

Not being honest about what you think or how you feel will prevent you from being yourself and living authentically.   That is just too much of a price to pay.

The solution is to be honest with yourself first.  Figure out how you truly feel about things, and acknowledge and accept your own thoughts and emotions, without judging them or suppressing them. 

Create opinions about your hairstyles, your body, the government, the latest movie or play you’ve seen or the last book you’ve read.

Cultivate a safe circle of friends or family that allows you to share your opinions openly.

All of my life, my sisters and I often have heated conversations about many things. This is why I’ve always been comfortable sharing my thoughts and being open to learning from others.

You have to communicate clearly and confidently, without being afraid or ashamed. Being honest about what you think or how you feel will help you to be more self-aware, self-accepting, and self-expressive. 

It will also help you to be more connected, respected, and understood by others.

The bottom line is, to have an opinion and be open to sharing what you think or how you feel. 

What are your thoughts about that? See what I did there lol.

3. Not finishing what you start

The third thing that can kill your confidence is not finishing what you start. You may have many ideas, plans, or goals that you want to pursue, but you never follow through with them. 

You may start something with enthusiasm and excitement, but then lose interest, motivation, or focus along the way.

You may also encounter difficulties, challenges, or failures that make you give up or quit prematurely. However, the truth is that not finishing what you start will only make you more doubtful, disappointed, and dissatisfied with yourself. It will also make you more fearful, hesitant, and procrastinating in the future.

The best approach is to finish what you start and celebrate your achievements. You have to commit to your ideas, plans, or goals and stick with them until the end.

You have to break them down into manageable steps and take action on them consistently and persistently.

You can overcome the obstacles, learn from the mistakes, and adapt to the changes that may arise along the way. Remember to celebrate yourself along the way, and develop a self-care habit of rewarding and encouraging yourself for your progress and efforts. 

Not finishing what you start is detrimental and wasteful.

You cannot achieve anything if you do not complete it. You also cannot learn anything if you do not try it. By not finishing what you start, you lose your motivation, momentum, and results.

As Vince Lombardi says: “Winners never quit and quitters never win.”

By avoiding these three things that kill your confidence, you can boost your confidence and improve your life. You can also positively impact yourself, others, and the world.

If you enjoyed this blog post, please listen to our podcast “Five Years to Forty” where we share our stories and experiences as millennials who are approaching the big 4-0. You can find our podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.

Thank you for reading, have a beautiful day!