We all chase happiness, right? But what if, deep down, we’re actually putting up roadblocks?

It might sound wild, but many of us unconsciously resist the very thing we desire. Let’s unpack the science behind this, and how understanding it is the first step toward a more genuinely joyful existence.

1. The “Joy is Dangerous” Mindset: Our Brain’s Inner Bodyguard

Remember that time you finally landed that dream job, or met someone amazing, and a tiny voice in your head whispered, “This is too good to be true”? That’s your amygdala, the ancient part of your brain wired for survival, doing its job. It’s constantly scanning for threats, and sometimes, intense joy can be misinterpreted as vulnerability. It’s like your brain thinks, “If I let myself feel this good, the crash when it ends will be devastating.”

The Science: Our brains prioritize avoiding pain over seeking pleasure. It’s an evolutionary leftover.

The Science: Our brains prioritize avoiding pain over seeking pleasure. It’s an evolutionary leftover.

Always remember your brain might be trying to “protect” you from future pain by holding back on present happiness. It’s not trying to be a buzzkill, just a well-meaning (but sometimes misguided) bodyguard.

2. The Fear of Disappointment (or “Defensive Pessimism”)

Ever walked into a first date thinking, “Well, this will probably be a disaster, but at least I tried”?

Or maybe you’ve held back on truly investing in a new hobby because, “What if I’m terrible at it?” This is defensive pessimism at play.

The Science: Researchers have found that by expecting the worst, we believe we can soften the blow if things don’t work out. If you don’t fully invest in the joy of an outcome, you won’t be as hurt if it disappears. It’s a cognitive strategy aimed at reducing emotional impact.

Just remember, resisting joy can be a subconscious attempt to manage expectations and shield yourself from future letdowns. But what if, by doing so, you’re also shielding yourself from incredible highs?

3. The Guilt or Shame Associated with Happiness

This one hits close to home for many. Perhaps you’ve felt a pang of guilt celebrating a personal win when a friend is going through a tough time. Or maybe you grew up in an environment where suffering was seen as more virtuous, or “good things don’t last.”

The Science: This is often a learned behavior, tied to concepts like “survivor’s guilt” or the feeling that you don’t deserve happiness when others are struggling. We can unconsciously link happiness with guilt.

For many of us, the resistance to joy isn’t a lack of feeling, but a deep-seated belief that we don’t have the right to feel good. But here’s a thought: when you feel good, you raise the frequency for everyone around you. It’s not selfish; it’s a gift.

4. The “Impending Doom” Phenomenon: Cortisol and Stress Hormones

Life as a single person in your 40’s can be a rollercoaster. Between career, friendships, family, and navigating the modern dating scene, chronic stress and anxiety can become the norm.

When your body is constantly in “fight or flight” mode, pumping out cortisol, it can be physically difficult to shift into a state of joy and relaxation.

The Science: Your body becomes so accustomed to the stress response that a state of ease can feel alien and even unsettling.

Joy is associated with hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which are hard to access when cortisol is high.

Your body’s chemistry might be making it hard for you to switch off the stress response and fully embrace joy. Look for the signs: a constant knot in your stomach, restless sleep, or a general sense of unease even when things are going well. Detachment and non-resistance can be powerful tools here.

5. The Habit of Negativity

Think about it: how many years have you spent perfecting the art of worry, criticism, or focusing on problems? Those neural pathways are like well-worn superhighways in your brain.

The Science: Our brains are incredibly adaptable (neuroplasticity!). The more we engage in a certain thought pattern, the stronger those pathways become. Practicing joy requires building new, less-traveled pathways, which takes conscious effort.

Your brain is simply following its most-used routes. The good news? You can intentionally build new ones. It’s like rerouting traffic: it takes a bit of effort at first, but soon, the new route becomes the easiest path.

Ready to Rewire for Joy?

Understanding these reasons is the first step, but what comes next? You have the power to rewire your brain for more joy. It’s not about ignoring challenges, but about consciously choosing to cultivate happiness.

If you’re ready to move from understanding to action, I have a few ways we can work together:

Ready for a personalized approach? Book a complimentary 20-minute consultation with me. We’ll chat about your unique challenges and how positive psychology can help you create a life filled with purpose and joy.

Need an extra layer of accountability? My Season To Soar Accountability group is a small-group program designed to help you create lasting habits and stay on track with your goals. We’re opening up a few spots in January soon, so DM me to learn more!

I can’t wait to help you embrace the joy you deserve. Let me know what resonated with you most in the comments below!

Remember, your Joy is serious business, invest in it daily

Your Coach and Chief Joy Officer

Annisha